Lessons from the matriarch of my American family

*First appeared in the Oct. 15, 2014 edition of the Laurel Chronicle newspaper.

This past weekend marked my mom’s XXth birthday. Mom’s birthday got me to thinking about the importance of family and how lucky my brother and I are to have had a great family nest growing up. But not everyone is so lucky, and too often we see the symptoms of that larger societal problem – the breakdown of the American family – in the form of dropout rates, poverty issues, incarceration, teen/out-of-wedlock pregnancies, and so on.

With that in mind, and in honor of my mom’s birthday, I’d like to examine the lessons imparted to me by the matriarch of my American family. Some are silly, some are not – and that itself is a great reflection of my mother.

Lesson #1: “Don’t cross your eyes.”

As a child, I enjoyed making weird faces and crossing my eyes. Mom warned me against this, saying it would have bad consequences (“your eyes will get stuck that way.”). As a four-year old, I climbed on a plank, stood on one leg, and crossed my eyes (imagine a tiny kung-fu fighter in the crane position). At that point, I saw two planks (one real and one not, thanks to my double-vision) and chose the wrong plank to put my foot on. I fell dramatically to the ground, breaking my arm along the way.

No, my eyes “didn’t get stuck that way,” but I did learn my lesson. Adult translation? Actions have consequences.

Lesson #2: “Have personality!”

Gosh, if only I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this. Before going to school, before meeting new people, before going into a job interview, her advice was the same. Mom encouraged me to put my best foot forward regardless of the situation. Be engaging, have personality, make a name for yourself – and you’ll go far.

It’s such a simple yet powerful lesson about human nature. We don’t want to be friends with the boring; we don’t want to do business with the dull. We want to hitch our wagons to those who, for lack of a better phrase, “have personality.” Think of this way – when’s the last time you voted for the boring dude at the ballot box? You didn’t.

Lesson #3: “It takes a friend to be a friend.”

This lesson is pretty self-explanatory, but my mom preached it to me incessantly when I was a kid. I suppose she thought I might treat other children like I treated my brother (with a yell and a fist). She told me the secret to having a lot of friends was being one first.

Honestly, I’m still working on incorporating this lesson into life (look, I need alone time – and lots of it). But how many children grow up without hearing this simple piece of advice?

Lesson #4: “Never leave home without fresh clothes, lipstick, and earrings.”

This lesson can also be titled, “Are you really leaving the house looking like that?” Mom believes strongly in looking your best when going out in public, which means matching clothes, brushed hair, “putting on some lips” (neutral shades are forbidden), and earrings.

I’ve taken her advice as it relates to professional activities, but wild hair and pajamas aren’t necessarily off limits in Kroger (sorry, Mom).

Knowing how to dress professionally seems like a basic skill, but it’s not. In the workforce world, this and related traits are known as “soft skills.” Today’s workers have trouble with tasks like knowing how to dress and showing up on time – things my mom taught me at an early age. This soft skills deficit leads to lower productivity and harms our economy.

Lesson #5: “You’re special.”

This has been something of a running joke in my family. I once told my mom that I wasn’t special, and she responded by giving me a teddy bear figurine that said “You’re special.” To this day, my whole family writes “you’re special” on every birthday card and Christmas present I receive.

It’s funny to us now (and I’m pretty sure my brother uses it as a taunt), but it’s a message that every child ought to hear. Children must be told they’re special. They must know someone believes in them and their future. They must be loved, nurtured, and have their dreams encouraged by parents and guardians. My mom and dad made sure that we knew they believed in us and supported our aspirations.

Mom taught me many lessons and continues to introduce new ones. Some of them will stick (like the fiscal responsibility gleaned through bargain shopping); some of them won’t (like cooking). I am thankful to have a mom who, along with my father, chose to raise their children responsibly and impart life lessons that prepared us for the so-called “real world.”

Happy birthday, Mom!